Caught up in sudden bursts of emotion, his fog lifting trace amounts more, though it still remained dense and heavy, Isa didn't realize he'd been shoved until he found himself lying back, gaze turned upward.
"You say you didn't replace me... but that's precisely what you did, whether you care to realize it or not. You abandoned our plan in favor of chasing after him. Instead of reporting to me, you'd go out to that clocktower and share your ice cream... just like we used to do here. It's amazing how your arrogance blinds you so."
Golden eyes closed and he let out a slow breath, letting his memories return, letting his clarity sharpen. It was almost as though his anger and resentment was burning away the fog. "... how do you think I felt? Rather, how do you think I wanted to feel, remembered the feeling of, when I woke one day and you'd gone? Knowing that you left me behind. That all you cared about was getting Roxas back. And then sacrificing yourself for Roxas, too, through helping Sora get to our world. I find it hard to believe you thought of me even once."
At this point, it was simple logic to him rather than petulance. The fragments of events were given to him, he places them together and drew the conclusions that made the most sense.
"What makes you think I'd let you help me after all of that? How do I know that you won't abandon me again if Ventus--" Oh yes, he remembered. He made that connection some time ago. "--suddenly shows his face again?"
"You're right." A simple, levelheaded observation. "I am arrogant. But you've known that since we were kids. Wanting to be remembered by everyone by making myself as memorable as possible...for all the wrong reasons."
Lea sat on the grass next to him, taking a deep breath to calm himself. "You have every right to be angry at me. I've done some terrible things. Then again, we all have. Haven't we. And I think even you can admit that it was a really stupid plan in hindsight." He looked down at Isa, not even managing to give him the weakest of smiles. "But you're wrong about one thing. It wasn't just Roxas that got me to burn Sora a path to our world. Though that kid was part of it. Not gonna deny it. But really, in the end...it was the right thing to do."
He found a clover flower in the patch, twisting the stem with his fingertips until it popped off. Something to toy with while he spoke. Keep his mind off...things. "We were terrible people doing terrible things. The real question is, are we strong enough to recognize that and start doing the right thing for once? I don't know if I am or not. But I kinda want to find out."
Lea went quiet. He found himself caring less and less of what Xehanort was listening in on or watching through Isa. His friend had changed, maybe for the worse, and was still changing. Becoming something that would have made both their skins crawl a long time ago. The younger Isa would either want to beat his older self within an inch of his life in a fit of rage, of that he was certain. But at the end of the day, it was still Isa, and still...
"...do you remember the year before Ansem the Wise disappeared? The spring bloom festival? ...I invited you to the gardens just outside the castle. Fed you some stupid excuse about getting closer to the fireworks." He swallowed. This is the last chance to say something. Anything. Don't mess it up, stupid, he might be completely gone in a month and you'll hate yourself the rest of your life. Don't chicken out like you did last time.
"We weren't people." He corrected lightly. Without hearts, they were merely empty shells... in no way did that qualify as being a 'person', he thought.
The right thing to do...? Isa supposed those words would have had some sort of impact on him before, in the past. Especially considering they were coming out of Lea's mouth, of all people. Yet, there was just an icy prick in his chest where his heart was slowly being taken over. At this point, he was thankfully lucid enough to recognize that was Xehanort's claws digging in, reminding him of who he was and of his purpose.
"I remember. What of it? Going to try and rouse me, rally me to your cause with nostalgia as your tool of choice?" There was a faint quirking of his lips at one corner and his words in that moment weren't entirely his own. No, there was a second hollow amusement echoing in his chest. Seeing no point in trying to suppress it, his eyes opened and he looked over at Lea, smiling.
It was not a pleasant sight.
Shades of Xehanort, of course, mocking and waiting oh so curiously to hear just what nonsense was going to come next. What did he think could possibly get a rise out of him, enough to perhaps have some kind of breakthrough?
He hated that look. It wasn't Isa. At all. Lea scowled. Words weren't getting him anywhere.
"There's something I wanted to do then with Isa," he said flatly. "And I still wanna do it now. And you can buzz off and go back to your trophy wife, you old coot."
Lea lowered onto his elbow and in one swift movement brought his free hand to Isa's cheek, pressing his mouth against Isa's. Firm, hot, not risking his tongue just yet, but possessive all the same. Mine. Not yours. Never yours. He never wanted to be angry, doing this. But if he didn't do it now, he was risking all that was left of Isa. So he let out the anger, the frustration of a near decade spent wondering if Isa would never speak to him again if he did this, without hurting him...just enough to make his point.
That point being he didn't care if Xehanort had Isa's heart in a vicegrip, he was never going to have his way. Ever. He was done being afraid of Xemnas, or Xehanort. Whoever. Tired of hiding.
The moment those hot lips touched his, his brain flatlined. It took several seconds for it to recover, reboot, reprocess what was happening and in that time, Xehanort had completely drawn back to observe. The fog lifted almost fully, to the point where Isa was startled by the sudden clarity, being able to actually feel now making things so much more intense.
His heart raced in his chest and a flush bloomed on his cheeks, head pulling away to let his mouth hang open, almost paralyzed by what was happening, barely able to do that much.
"What are you doing? Whatareyoudoing?" Once, then again, rushed and panicked and unsure of what to do. Why was Lea kissing him?! What was happening?! What... oh no, what... what should he do??
Isa was, decidedly, Not Prepared for this.
"Why?" He croaked out, brow furrowed and so, so confused.
He could have laughed at Isa's reaction, in any other situation. But as it was, this wasn't the ideal situation he had wanted. No fireworks, spotty flower patches, his heart tuned to light while Isa's was trapped in shadow. But hey. It got Xehanort to shut up. Lea broke into a grin, his thumb tracing the edge of Isa's cheekbone. His eyes were burning, a hot wetness clinging to his own cheek. Summer rain. That was all it was.
"Because I've wanted to do that since we were fourteen?" He pressed another quick, light kiss to Isa's bottom lip. "Seemed a good idea back then. It's never gone away, either."
Lea forced a shaky, half-giddy, half-nervous laugh, resting his forehead against Isa's. "Of course without our hearts it was...other things. That kinda seemed a good idea, too."
"But..." Was all he managed, swallowing heavily, not actually having any thoughts to follow up with. This... no, he hadn't expected this at all. Oh wow.
Then suddenly that last bit sank in and if he could have looked more shocked and scandalized, he would have. Did he really just say...?
"You wanted to-- as Nobodies?" He asked, voice soft and in that same airy tone from earlier. For some reason such a thing was sounding less and less insane. Maybe because going from blurred at the edges to everything being sharp and intense was beginning to even out.
Thinking about it, well. Was the thought really so crazy afterall? Images flashed in his mind, all those times Saix had visited Axel in his room... there had been so many opportunities.
"Why didn't you, then?" He knew Saix wouldn't have objected. Did that mean he wouldn't, now, either?
Lea snorted. "Isa, come on. Everyone was doing that as Nobodies. Everyone." Most of the time it was purely out of boredom. No emotions to get in the way meant that everything was on a more physical level. Curiosity about each other's forms, exploring sensation and energies and tolerance levels without shame or much thought behind it. Only the bravest let Larxene be in charge of the night.
In response to the question he shrugged. "You never seemed interested. Even when I tried to kinda...give hints. I just figured you and Xemnas had some kind of exclusive thing all your own."
"... I never realized." Slowly, he shook his head, thinking back on it. Yes, he had passive knowledge that the other members were getting up to such things, but he didn't care so he'd hardly given it a second thought.
It made sense for Nobodies to indulge in physical desire. If they couldn't feel emotionally, then physically would have to do.
"We did." He nodded slightly, almost embarrassed to admit it even if Lea had already guessed. "I was his closest. We... I suppose were exclusive, though more by coincidence. He didn't bother with others, I never thought there was interest outside of him." Swallowing heavily, he tried not to let the memories get to him, a mild flare of anger rising in him, knowing part of that was Xehanort's fault. The images were so vibrant and it was almost like he could still feel his touch...
"... it-" He started, then shook his head and turned his gaze to fully meet Lea's. "If you'd been forward, I'd have accepted you."
"Funny how these things work, huh?" He paused, torn between dragging Isa to the canal for privacy and calling his keyblade here and now to take him right out from under Xehanort's nose.
But Axel was the one who stabbed people in the back. Yen Sid's words banished the idea from his mind as quickly as it came. A keyblade's purpose is never to kill. Only to weaken. Never strike with the intention to destroy...
He swallowed. "...Isa...please. I want you. Not the tagalong. But you have to let me help you."
Brow furrowing, he knew that could be taken several ways and for all he knew, Lea did mean that he both wanted him by his side, and wanted him in that physical way that he'd never forwardly asked for as Axel.
Isa shifted, propping himself up on his elbows to lean in closer to Lea, stuck in a whole storm of emotions. Curiosity, fear, desire, relief... right now, however, hope was beginning to override the rest and he wished now more than ever that he could be free of Xehanort's sharp grip on his heart.
He couldn't. He couldn't just...tell him that he had a keyblade, it would put them both in danger. He swallowed. "We can all find a way to get that piece of him out of you. You'll have your life back."
...Okay that was way too sappy for his liking.
Lea broke from his completely serious stance, laughing quietly as he leaned in to nuzzle against Isa's neck, threading fingers through soft blue hair. "Mostly I want to have fun like this for a long time. I don't even care if it's not forever. Nothing lasts that long, right?"
Isa glanced away and closed his eyes, brows furrowed as if in pain as he felt that nuzzling, trying not to get emotional. It was so overwhelming. The truth of what was happening to him, knowing that Xehanort could take over at any time and do something horrible.
"Lea. If we did... if I came with you... you know what might happen. Would probably happen. If something happened to you because of him. If he used me to hurt you again, I don't know if I could come back from that." He may not have injured Lea back when he'd saved Sora, but he'd attacked him.
The memory was fuzzy, but it was there. He remembered how utterly powerless he felt, how he couldn't control a thing, how he was barely aware of himself and even though he could see what was happening, he didn't feel anything.
He knew. It ate at him, knowing he was nowhere near strong enough to challenge Xehanort. He knew better than to stupidly challenge him then and there. Knowing that he had the means but not the power to use it to save Isa from a fate that he'd led him into... Lea stayed close to Isa's neck, breathing in his scent, wanting to commit it to memory. "I'll find a way. You know me. Always going around the rules."
The words stuck in his throat, but he managed: "I promise."
It was difficult to believe. Isa didn't want to have so little faith, but it was difficult to hold to something that even remotely resembled optimism. Not when Xehanort could resurface at any moment and inflict some serious damage, be it physical or otherwise. Likely a combination.
"... I suppose I can't stop you. Even though it's stupid. You're going to get hurt and it's going to be my fault. But you'll just turn it around and you'll take all the blame and you won't be able to forgive yourself. It isn't fair to you."
Sighing softly, he turned to nuzzle at his hair, finally returning some of his affection.
"I'm going to be stubborn till the day I die, you know that."
He'd even tried to charge "Ansem" even after Isa had lost his heart. That ended well. Sarcasm aside, Isa was right about that. Not so much everything else. "It's not your fault. We both know whose fault it is."
Lea turned and planted a kiss against Isa's neck. "Once this is over, I'm buying you all the ice cream you want."
"I know. I've seen you die." He mumbled quietly, not wanting to think back to that. "And you were stubborn even afterward... not even death could stop that."
Golden eyes closed and he tilted his head, as much to look away as it was to give Lea more room to nuzzle and explore if he so wished.
"... I do know whose fault it is. And he's listening. And he can surface at any time, Lea. He'll make me hurt you and that isn't something I can risk, nor something you should be so eager to risk. No matter how tempting all of that ice cream sounds."
Lea grumbled, kissing the spot on his neck again, securing his lips over the soft skin and sucking on it, intent on making a mark. He never wanted to let go of Isa. Not after everything they'd been through. Were still going through. But he was right, and it hurt. Part of him wanted to take Isa back to his room and say to hell with Xehanort. But the fact that the old man would still be watching them...
The dark hickey he was leaving on the tanned skin was meant to be a message. He only wanted Isa. Not the tagalong.
Lea pulled away, leaving one last kiss on the blemished skin. His green eyes had some of Axel's fire in them, not so much scheming as deadly serious. "...You have to go, then. But I'll be coming to get you back. And I won't be alone. That's a promise."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 05:06 pm (UTC)"You say you didn't replace me... but that's precisely what you did, whether you care to realize it or not. You abandoned our plan in favor of chasing after him. Instead of reporting to me, you'd go out to that clocktower and share your ice cream... just like we used to do here. It's amazing how your arrogance blinds you so."
Golden eyes closed and he let out a slow breath, letting his memories return, letting his clarity sharpen. It was almost as though his anger and resentment was burning away the fog. "... how do you think I felt? Rather, how do you think I wanted to feel, remembered the feeling of, when I woke one day and you'd gone? Knowing that you left me behind. That all you cared about was getting Roxas back. And then sacrificing yourself for Roxas, too, through helping Sora get to our world. I find it hard to believe you thought of me even once."
At this point, it was simple logic to him rather than petulance. The fragments of events were given to him, he places them together and drew the conclusions that made the most sense.
"What makes you think I'd let you help me after all of that? How do I know that you won't abandon me again if Ventus--" Oh yes, he remembered. He made that connection some time ago. "--suddenly shows his face again?"
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:15 pm (UTC)Lea sat on the grass next to him, taking a deep breath to calm himself. "You have every right to be angry at me. I've done some terrible things. Then again, we all have. Haven't we. And I think even you can admit that it was a really stupid plan in hindsight." He looked down at Isa, not even managing to give him the weakest of smiles. "But you're wrong about one thing. It wasn't just Roxas that got me to burn Sora a path to our world. Though that kid was part of it. Not gonna deny it. But really, in the end...it was the right thing to do."
He found a clover flower in the patch, twisting the stem with his fingertips until it popped off. Something to toy with while he spoke. Keep his mind off...things. "We were terrible people doing terrible things. The real question is, are we strong enough to recognize that and start doing the right thing for once? I don't know if I am or not. But I kinda want to find out."
Lea went quiet. He found himself caring less and less of what Xehanort was listening in on or watching through Isa. His friend had changed, maybe for the worse, and was still changing. Becoming something that would have made both their skins crawl a long time ago. The younger Isa would either want to beat his older self within an inch of his life in a fit of rage, of that he was certain. But at the end of the day, it was still Isa, and still...
"...do you remember the year before Ansem the Wise disappeared? The spring bloom festival? ...I invited you to the gardens just outside the castle. Fed you some stupid excuse about getting closer to the fireworks." He swallowed. This is the last chance to say something. Anything. Don't mess it up, stupid, he might be completely gone in a month and you'll hate yourself the rest of your life. Don't chicken out like you did last time.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:25 pm (UTC)The right thing to do...? Isa supposed those words would have had some sort of impact on him before, in the past. Especially considering they were coming out of Lea's mouth, of all people. Yet, there was just an icy prick in his chest where his heart was slowly being taken over. At this point, he was thankfully lucid enough to recognize that was Xehanort's claws digging in, reminding him of who he was and of his purpose.
"I remember. What of it? Going to try and rouse me, rally me to your cause with nostalgia as your tool of choice?" There was a faint quirking of his lips at one corner and his words in that moment weren't entirely his own. No, there was a second hollow amusement echoing in his chest. Seeing no point in trying to suppress it, his eyes opened and he looked over at Lea, smiling.
It was not a pleasant sight.
Shades of Xehanort, of course, mocking and waiting oh so curiously to hear just what nonsense was going to come next. What did he think could possibly get a rise out of him, enough to perhaps have some kind of breakthrough?
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:51 pm (UTC)"There's something I wanted to do then with Isa," he said flatly. "And I still wanna do it now. And you can buzz off and go back to your trophy wife, you old coot."
Lea lowered onto his elbow and in one swift movement brought his free hand to Isa's cheek, pressing his mouth against Isa's. Firm, hot, not risking his tongue just yet, but possessive all the same. Mine. Not yours. Never yours. He never wanted to be angry, doing this. But if he didn't do it now, he was risking all that was left of Isa. So he let out the anger, the frustration of a near decade spent wondering if Isa would never speak to him again if he did this, without hurting him...just enough to make his point.
That point being he didn't care if Xehanort had Isa's heart in a vicegrip, he was never going to have his way. Ever. He was done being afraid of Xemnas, or Xehanort. Whoever. Tired of hiding.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 07:22 pm (UTC)His heart raced in his chest and a flush bloomed on his cheeks, head pulling away to let his mouth hang open, almost paralyzed by what was happening, barely able to do that much.
"What are you doing? Whatareyoudoing?" Once, then again, rushed and panicked and unsure of what to do. Why was Lea kissing him?! What was happening?! What... oh no, what... what should he do??
Isa was, decidedly, Not Prepared for this.
"Why?" He croaked out, brow furrowed and so, so confused.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 07:34 pm (UTC)"Because I've wanted to do that since we were fourteen?" He pressed another quick, light kiss to Isa's bottom lip. "Seemed a good idea back then. It's never gone away, either."
Lea forced a shaky, half-giddy, half-nervous laugh, resting his forehead against Isa's. "Of course without our hearts it was...other things. That kinda seemed a good idea, too."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 07:42 pm (UTC)Then suddenly that last bit sank in and if he could have looked more shocked and scandalized, he would have. Did he really just say...?
"You wanted to-- as Nobodies?" He asked, voice soft and in that same airy tone from earlier. For some reason such a thing was sounding less and less insane. Maybe because going from blurred at the edges to everything being sharp and intense was beginning to even out.
Thinking about it, well. Was the thought really so crazy afterall? Images flashed in his mind, all those times Saix had visited Axel in his room... there had been so many opportunities.
"Why didn't you, then?" He knew Saix wouldn't have objected. Did that mean he wouldn't, now, either?
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 08:09 pm (UTC)In response to the question he shrugged. "You never seemed interested. Even when I tried to kinda...give hints. I just figured you and Xemnas had some kind of exclusive thing all your own."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 08:15 pm (UTC)It made sense for Nobodies to indulge in physical desire. If they couldn't feel emotionally, then physically would have to do.
"We did." He nodded slightly, almost embarrassed to admit it even if Lea had already guessed. "I was his closest. We... I suppose were exclusive, though more by coincidence. He didn't bother with others, I never thought there was interest outside of him." Swallowing heavily, he tried not to let the memories get to him, a mild flare of anger rising in him, knowing part of that was Xehanort's fault. The images were so vibrant and it was almost like he could still feel his touch...
"... it-" He started, then shook his head and turned his gaze to fully meet Lea's. "If you'd been forward, I'd have accepted you."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-04 05:28 pm (UTC)But Axel was the one who stabbed people in the back. Yen Sid's words banished the idea from his mind as quickly as it came. A keyblade's purpose is never to kill. Only to weaken. Never strike with the intention to destroy...
He swallowed. "...Isa...please. I want you. Not the tagalong. But you have to let me help you."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-04 11:50 pm (UTC)Brow furrowing, he knew that could be taken several ways and for all he knew, Lea did mean that he both wanted him by his side, and wanted him in that physical way that he'd never forwardly asked for as Axel.
Isa shifted, propping himself up on his elbows to lean in closer to Lea, stuck in a whole storm of emotions. Curiosity, fear, desire, relief... right now, however, hope was beginning to override the rest and he wished now more than ever that he could be free of Xehanort's sharp grip on his heart.
"What is it you want, Lea?"
no subject
Date: 2015-07-05 05:52 am (UTC)He couldn't. He couldn't just...tell him that he had a keyblade, it would put them both in danger. He swallowed. "We can all find a way to get that piece of him out of you. You'll have your life back."
...Okay that was way too sappy for his liking.
Lea broke from his completely serious stance, laughing quietly as he leaned in to nuzzle against Isa's neck, threading fingers through soft blue hair. "Mostly I want to have fun like this for a long time. I don't even care if it's not forever. Nothing lasts that long, right?"
no subject
Date: 2015-07-05 06:40 am (UTC)Isa glanced away and closed his eyes, brows furrowed as if in pain as he felt that nuzzling, trying not to get emotional. It was so overwhelming. The truth of what was happening to him, knowing that Xehanort could take over at any time and do something horrible.
"Lea. If we did... if I came with you... you know what might happen. Would probably happen. If something happened to you because of him. If he used me to hurt you again, I don't know if I could come back from that." He may not have injured Lea back when he'd saved Sora, but he'd attacked him.
The memory was fuzzy, but it was there. He remembered how utterly powerless he felt, how he couldn't control a thing, how he was barely aware of himself and even though he could see what was happening, he didn't feel anything.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-05 08:13 am (UTC)The words stuck in his throat, but he managed: "I promise."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-05 08:24 am (UTC)"... I suppose I can't stop you. Even though it's stupid. You're going to get hurt and it's going to be my fault. But you'll just turn it around and you'll take all the blame and you won't be able to forgive yourself. It isn't fair to you."
Sighing softly, he turned to nuzzle at his hair, finally returning some of his affection.
"None of this is."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-10 05:48 am (UTC)He'd even tried to charge "Ansem" even after Isa had lost his heart. That ended well. Sarcasm aside, Isa was right about that. Not so much everything else. "It's not your fault. We both know whose fault it is."
Lea turned and planted a kiss against Isa's neck. "Once this is over, I'm buying you all the ice cream you want."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 04:56 pm (UTC)Golden eyes closed and he tilted his head, as much to look away as it was to give Lea more room to nuzzle and explore if he so wished.
"... I do know whose fault it is. And he's listening. And he can surface at any time, Lea. He'll make me hurt you and that isn't something I can risk, nor something you should be so eager to risk. No matter how tempting all of that ice cream sounds."
no subject
Date: 2015-07-14 04:54 am (UTC)The dark hickey he was leaving on the tanned skin was meant to be a message. He only wanted Isa. Not the tagalong.
Lea pulled away, leaving one last kiss on the blemished skin. His green eyes had some of Axel's fire in them, not so much scheming as deadly serious. "...You have to go, then. But I'll be coming to get you back. And I won't be alone. That's a promise."